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5TIL, 8/30

August 30, 2017

1. Ben Olsen is a Raccoon Witch. After an abysmal performance at DC United, which included a harsh indictment by truth speaker and Coach Aaron Jekyll and Hyde who described the first half as one of their worst performances; it's clearly a scientific fact that when it's a full moon Ben Olsen turns into a Raccoon. He then teleports into our players' homes and casts evil raccoon spells on them, and poisons Tito Villalba's mate -- sucking the sexy soccer mojo from our Designated Players and replacing it with boring, sleepy soccer abilities. This man is a witch and we must find a way to defeat him. We don't face DC United again until next season, but that hasn't stopped him from selling his compact defensive midfield spells to Philadelphia, and we know Kreiss is desperate enough to sell his soul to the Raccoon Witch and try anything when Orlando come to the Benz. I propose we put all of our underperforming players in the GyroStem that once healed Josef Martinez. The GyroStem should be able to spin out the Raccoon Demons inside them, or at the very least, it will make them nauseous enough to expel the demons the all-natural way.

2. Who can? McCann Can! That's right, our traditionally bench dwelling defensive midfielder went on walkabout or is coming off a fabulous juice cleanse and put on his best performance all season after grabbing the start in place of a suspended Carmona. He still has his limitations and will never be a one for one replacement for a more box to box midfielder like Carmona, but McCann was often fluid in his movement, and was finding spaces -- even if nobody was passing to him for the first 25 minutes when he was wide open. Ultimately, McCann showed that when he's in form he can slot into the midfield for Carmona and do just fine and should be even more comfortable in a more defensive roll should he have to stand in for Larentowicz. In the end, I actually feel bad for McCann. Especially since he could have had an assist after setting up Martinez with a decent pass in the 25th minute only for Josef to hesitate just enough to get closed down before taking his shot. After his performance in Philadelphia, I think he needs his own chant to the tune of Willy Wonka's "The Candy Man Can" only it's title should be changed to "McCann Can".

 3. The Fan First Pricing hype is real at Mercedes Benz Stadium, but the gourmet options are not all created equal. For example, if you have $10 in your pocket you can buy five hot dogs from the stadium's concessions, but at some of the more upscale restaurants $10 may just buy you disappointment. Let's use Antico Pizza and Molly B's as two contrasting examples. We'll start with Antico Pizza which is in the Delta Club which requires club tickets in the corresponding sections of Concourse 100. This is cruel, and as a result (and because I have access to this section) I was contemplating setting up a text line or an app people can use to order Antico for delivery to their seat for a nominal fee. After all, I am a man of the people. However, I'm second guessing this strategy after reports came in after the Falcons preseason game in MBS and apparently a suspiciously sized slice of Antico pizza is $10. Now, don't get me wrong - after trying the brisket sandwich from Molly B's I'd pay $15 for that sandwich, and unlike Antico, it's in the main concourse accessible to everyone. Perhaps this is fitting since the restaurant is named after Arthur Blank's mother. He's the true man of the people, and Molly B's brisket sandwich is amazing! However, in contrast, the ROI in eating an undersized $10 slice of pizza is highly questionable. At the end of the day, for $10 I may just eat 3 x $2 hot dogs and a $3 slize of generic pizza, fall into a food coma, and call it a win. However, I'll withhold final judgement until September 10th when I can use my investigative journalism skills to inspect the pizza slices in person and report back with my findings.

4. Statistics show that Atlanta United are great between the 85th and 93rd minute. After Mears used his never been seen before super man leap to head the ball over Andre Blake and into the back of the net, Robert Swick at @TheSwickster on Twitter, tweeted that there have now been "4 last minute heroics in 5 matches" and that he believes they were all scored after the 85th minute; with Tito nabbing the first two, Peterson with the third, and now Mears with the fourth. So in other words, now we just need to figure out how to play soccer again for the first 85 minutes.



5. The GRESSELMANIA hype just doubled. Julien Gressel recently tweeted out a photo of himself with his brother... and they look almost identical. I don't know if his brother plays soccer, but it shouldn't matter. Put him in the academy, hire him as a ball boy, whatever it takes to pump up the levels of Gresselmania. We're going to need it heading into this next run of 6 matches in our new home at MBS, and his brother could very well be the special wild card we need to break the spell cast by that cursed Raccoon Witch, Ben Olsen.



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